I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
