i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
