its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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