I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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