i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
