I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
