How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
