Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Randomize
