I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
