i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
