We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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