I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
