I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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