Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
