well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Two words: nipple clamps
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