im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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