The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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