They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
