my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
