Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
