theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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