the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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