John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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