I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
