Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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