Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
