Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
