I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You've changed since you got that strap on
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