Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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