I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
