I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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