I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
