I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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