ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
