my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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