I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
