I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
