Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
