Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
