your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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