some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
