Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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