Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
