so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
