Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
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Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
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Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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