Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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