Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
