do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
