Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
