I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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