Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
