she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
