Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
