He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
so much tequila, so little girl.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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