He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We had sex on a dog bed..
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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