Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
