I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
