Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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