3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
