This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
